Hopeless

When you cant feed your kids and go to a food bank. Your offered a job that you have to pay for.... I am a failure and do not deserve to be their mom.

Getting the Demons Out

It has been nearly 4 years since my last post. I wish I could say that I concurred my demons, but I cant. I have lost jobs,y drinking reached an all time high, I was hospitized, I just sank deeper and deep into my depression and alcoholism. I have alienated myself from many family and friends because of my erratic behavior and temporary feelings of anger. My husband and children have only unconditional love and support for me. Needless to say, they are traumatized. That being said, I have family and friends who support me and love me and I am ever so grateful <3. Now I am on anti-depressant and anxiety meds. They help sometimes but also give me a false sense of comfort. I am not sure what the future holds, but I will continue to fight the good fight. I just pray I stop fighting with people.

First Steps to Recovery

Today I have my first appt. with Dr. Jacob, a Psychiatrist. So many things have happened since my last post. I will get thru this and am feeling better everyday.

Hopeless

I cannot seem to shake this feeling of hopelessness. I have so much on my plate. I only want to provide for my kids. Make sure they are in a happy and healthy environment. It seems like every decision I make is the wrong one. My husband is really no help. He knows what he should be doing and doesn't. Instead, he sits back and watches as I disappear into despair. I only pray that my kids make better choices in life than I did. They deserve so much more than I can give them.

Handling my business

It is becoming clearer to me everyday that my unhappiness is my choosing. I have to stop putting other's feelings and needs ahead of my own. Truth is I do not want to remain married to a man who I cannot depend on, and who will never man up. He will always be the father of my kids. I deserve better and to be happy for once in my life. I have always known that he is lazy, and a hypochondriac...he is a liar too! I have always been an open book and have shared everything in my life with him. He has not done the same. This crap I keep hearing about how his mom and pop spoiled him is just crap! spoiling is putting it mildly! They created a freaking monster who will agree to everything and lead you to believe he actually knows right from wrong just to pacify me, but nothing ever changes! Sadly, to the whole entire world he is the nicest guy, and how lucky I am...what freaking ever!

Missing Them!

I still can not get over losing my mom and my uncle. All of my life I have dealt with death and handled it quite adultly. I thought my brother passing away was the worst pain I would ever feel. Honestly, because of the tumultous relationship I had with my mom I really didnt think her death would be as bad. I was so completely and irrevocably wrong! not a day goes by that I dont have to fight back my tears. If that wasnt heartbreaking enough, My dearest Uncle (Father) Tony died! I really dont think I can take much more. I know that I am blessed with my husband and kids, and my family. I thank god for all them because they keep me sane, even when I am at my wits end.

There are occassions when they have reached out to me. Many dont believe in other worldly experiences, but I do. So I dont know if, I am not letting them go, or they arent letting me go.. Maybe that is why my heart cant heal. I think I have to seek some spiritual guidance.

Traditions and Culture

Here I am at nearly 39 years old on a journey to reconnect with my Native American roots. Growing up my Uncle Tony really tried instilling the importance of keeping the culture alive and passing it on through our generations. Being stubborn, and young I ignored him and now I see and feel how much I am missing. I am making the individual effort to make my heritage a priority. I will give my kids all that I have missed.



So many things have occured in my life and my families life, so many things to be thankful for and so many things to put behind me. I know with every fiber of my soul that the peace I am in need of, as well as the spiritual gifts that I possess can be attributed to my Native ancestry. There is a natural connection that I feel towards the spiritual and physical structure of my people.